Sometimes, I have trouble understanding myself. Love is tough. Love is cruel. Love is kind. There are moments that made me want to give up and let everything go. Yet there are moments that made me want to hang on because I see something in us that grows us, matures us and brings us even closer. Here I am seated at the table, penning these thoughts. I was just wondering if the concept of “The One” is true. People often tell me that if you’ve found “The One”, you’ll know it in your bones that you belong together and you two are just made for each other. Love is more than just about finding “The One”, it takes more than perfect chemistry, strong connection or merely feeling right with this person. Rather, it’s about putting in the effort to make this work as a team. Whatever we’ve known about love – whether it’s from rom-coms, sappy chick flicks, fairytales and make-believes, it’s a total hokum. Shit happens, your “happily-ever-after” doesn’t come true and you live with disappointments. The minute you register this in your head, everything starts to fall into place. “Hold no expectations lest no disappointment,” is my advice. When you view things with an open mind, a positive attitude and willingness to drop your checklist of finding “The One”, you will probably find your “happily-ever-after”.
#139: Today I Write Something
The sky is looking overcast with something to say. As if to say that I’ve made a grave mistake this time. That I need to pick myself up and love myself better again. Just how many times do I have to tell myself that I am enough? When will I be able to convince myself that I don’t need to seek validation from others to ascertain my existence? I don’t need to be someone great or famous. Neither do I need to be someone beautiful or fabulous. All I ever want to be is just me, myself and I.
Confidence is my biggest nemesis, my kryptonite, my worst fear since young. My lack of confidence gives rise to the lack of trust in others. Sometimes, I feel that I will be happier if I were prettier. Sometimes I feel that I will be luckier if I were smarter. Or perhaps, everything will work out the way I planned, if I possess the brawn and brains – the best of both worlds. I don’t know why I’m so fixated on this notion of being pretty and smart, but it certainly boils down to the lack of my confidence and the need for validation. There are times when I feel awesome about myself, but they don’t just stay that way. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. I’m not the perfect girl you make me out to be, but I will battle my demons and be myself. Friends who’ve been with me long enough, they have seen and heard enough of this. I need to put an end to this problem but please be patient with me. That’s all I ask for.
#138: Today I Write Something
They have no idea what we’ve been through
No words can explain what we have to the world
You get me and I get you
We just understand each other
No questions asked
There’s no other way to put it
One look on your face and I am understood
From a frown, it turns into a smile
Some people know me for almost a lifetime
And they still don’t get me
We’ve only known each other for a while
But our souls just connect
I knew it in my bones
That you were right for me
It’s like you’re the final piece to my puzzle
The answer to my question
The hero in my fairytale
#137: Today I Write Something
The most painful thing about growing up is that it didn’t matter what you’ve gone through, when it happened, why this occurs, it only took one instance, one event to make you realise that shit has got real and it was time to be tough, for you to become who you really are.
#136: Today I Write Something
Sometimes,
When we try to look for answers, it leaves us with more questions
Sometimes,
When we overthink everything, we suffer from nothing but depression
Sometimes,
We make sense of our surroundings by holding onto things we believe in
Sometimes,
We just have to let go of we’ve been
Sometimes,
We’re just tired and need somewhere to begin
#135: Today I Write Something
When you look at some people in your life, you can tell how their story will end. You’ll probably have no idea what they are going through and I don’t know what it’s like for them. Perhaps it’s never enough after all. But when I look at you, I just know how our story will end. Our going gets tougher, our connection’s stronger. We are going to make it to the end. For our ending finishes with a “WHAM BAM, THANK YOU MAN”
#134: Today I Write Something
They laid together in bed,
While melting into each other’s arms all night
His arms wrapped around her
To protect her from the dangers of the night
He was haunted by his nightmares,
Awakened by the ghosts of his past
She couldn’t be there to help him fight his demons
But she will always be there when he wakes up
That’s all it matters.
#133: Today I Write Something
Once upon a time, I used to think that there is a straightforward kind of love, where there’s a happily ever after at the end of the story. Many times, I was naive to think that someone was going to sweep my feet away, take my breath away with a kiss and swoon me over with his handsome face. But no, love doesn’t exist this way. What they didn’t teach us in the movies is that we need to fight for the things we love. Love didn’t just occur in the most magical way, where the fairy godmother bestowed upon you pretty clothes, beautiful shoes, and flawless hairdo – all to win the heart of your Prince Charming. It’s not perfect. There are curves and edges that we got to embrace. Mistakes we gotta make. Misinformed decisions we have to make. Misguided steps we gotta take. Regretting about the chances we didn’t take. But sometimes, love just happens in the weirdest ways – the least we expect. There, this is the magical part of it. I know it to be true, because I’ve fallen in love with you. You’re my one choice that makes me feel true.
#132: Today I Write Something
Pause and forward. It’s time to trudge on with our lives. We’ve approached the halfway mark of 2015. Allow me to pause for a moment to revisit some memories, good and bad. Here we go! In all honesty, I have no idea where I’m going with this space – it’s most probably going to be a small space for me to write my monologue. Then again, it’s MY space to write anything I like. Wham! Bam! Thank you madam! About revisiting those memories, I’ve picked up so much things, I don’t even know where to begin with. To keep it succinct, there’s no stopping from learning more about myself each day. Life’s like this, isn’t? You never stop discovering what you’re really capable of, until you’re being put to the test. You reckon that this could be some sort of calling for a certain pathway you need to embark on. And then, it grows on you until it becomes a habit. As creatures of habit, you’ve been forewarned. Anything that develops into a habit, you get so comfortable that you resist changes. Now, that’s an inertia.
There is a scene in Heat in which Neil McCauley (Robert De Niro) says, “Allow nothing in your life that you cannot walk out on in 30 seconds flat.” I don’t have a life like McCauley’s, but I share his sentiments. The art of preparing to walk away is the ultimate form of caring you could give yourself. In other words, you shouldn’t even try to get too attached to your material possessions, ideas, habits and even relationships. Not that I’ve lived my life long enough, but I’ve been through trials and tribulations, to walk away from anything at a short notice. No, I’m not callous or heartless (if that’s what you’re thinking). Every time I take on a new idea or habit, it is because it has the potential to add value to my life. Over time, these ideas and habits get replaced by new ones. By then, you should be ready to walk away and take on new ones to reach another milestone in your life again. When you walk away, it shows your willingness to grow and improve yourself.
#131: Today I Write Something
I’ve always wished that I was a cool kid
Sometimes I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere else
But that doesn’t mean I’m going to change the way I see things
I’m not going to fake what I feel or alter the way I look to conform to anything
It’s like I’ve always been a social misfit in my world
I feel dull, bored and sad
Perhaps my weirdness and differences make me feel unwelcome
I spent my life wondering what I should do next
I marvelled at my progress, sometimes
And then I start to realise nothing is meant to be
We’re wrong to think that everything will fall into place if we have our lives figured out
Maybe we cling to hope so we can forget about the real world
Or perhaps we’re trying to look for ways to make sense of the chaos around us
It’s probably because we’re trying to give meaning to something with no meaning
So, this one is for the wandering souls whose minds are filled with wonder, thoughts that breathe life into their dreams, with powerful lips that whisper words of wisdom.
Yet these are the misfits in this world,
That imperfections, so-called give them their character
The curves and edges that make them who they are
They don’t know they are beautiful in their own ways after all
Today I Write Something 